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Selfishness is often painted in a negative lightโsynonymous with arrogance, inconsideration, or narcissism. From a young age, many are taught to share, sacrifice, and prioritise others over themselves. However, a growing body of psychological research suggests that certain forms of selfishness can, in fact, be essential for maintaining and protecting mental well-being. When practised with intention and balance, putting oneself first may not be self-centred at all, but rather a necessary step towards building resilience and emotionalย stability.
Understanding the difference between healthy and unhealthyย selfishness
Healthy selfishness refers to behaviours and attitudes where individuals prioritise their own needs, boundaries, and mental wellness without causing harm to others. Itโs about ensuring your own emotional reserves are full before helping othersโa concept similar to putting on your own oxygen mask before assisting fellow passengers on aย flight.
Unhealthy selfishness, on the other hand, typically involves a disregard for the needs and feelings of others, manipulation, or exploitation for personal gain. The key difference lies in empathy and intention. Healthy selfishness acknowledges othersโ needs without neglecting oneโsย own.
Rand (1964) introduced the concept of โrational selfishnessโโthe idea that self-interest is not only valid but essential for psychological growth and self-love. This is supported by more recent research, indicating that people who engage in healthy selfish behaviours report lower levels of stress and greater life satisfaction (Zitek & Jordan,ย 2019).
Setting boundaries is not unkindโit isย essential
Many people, especially those who seekย adult counselling, struggle withย setting boundariesย due to fears of conflict or feelings of guilt. Yet, consistently saying โyesโ when one means โnoโ can lead to burnout, resentment, and chronicย stress.
Psychologist Brenรฉ Brown has noted that โclear is kindโโmeaning that setting clear boundaries is an act of kindness, not only to others but to ourselves. Establishing limits helps protect our time, energy, and emotional capacity. It also communicates that our needs are valid and worthy ofย respect.
If you find yourself constantly depleted or overcommitted, it may be worth considering whether saying โnoโ from time to time could better support your mental health. A skilledย therapist for depression in Singaporeย can help individuals explore these boundaries and support their implementation in both personal and professionalย contexts.
Prioritising yourself can improveย relationships
While it may seem counterintuitive, prioritising your own needs occassionally can lead to healthier and more authentic relationships. When people feel fulfilled and grounded, they are more likely to engage with others from a place of empathy and strength rather than obligation orย resentment.
Research supports this notion. A literature review by Lathren et al. (2021) found that being compassionate towards self improves relational well-being. Rather than draining oneself in the pursuit of being โselfless,โ healthy selfishness enables individuals to show up fully for others without compromising their own mentalย health.
This can be especially crucial for caregivers, parents, or those in emotionally demanding professions. By carving out time for rest, reflection, or therapy, they are able to recharge and remain present and effective in theirย roles.
Taking time for yourself is not indulgentโit is a mental healthย strategy
Modern life is fast-paced and unrelenting. Constant connectivity, work demands, and social obligations can make it feel like there is never enough time to simply be. But regularly neglecting self-care can lead to anxiety, depression, and emotionalย exhaustion.
Engaging in activities solely for your own enjoyment or restorationโwhether it is reading a book, going for a walk, or simply doing nothingโis not a luxury. It is a strategy for maintaining balance and preventing burnout. Self-care is not selfish; it is essential forย survival.
For those struggling with persistent feelings of guilt or anxiety when taking personal time, adult counselling can provide a supportive space to unlearn these internalised beliefs and build new, healthierย habits.
Seeking help is a courageous act ofย self-prioritisation
There remains a lingering stigma around seeking psychological help, particularly when it is wrongly perceived as a sign of weakness or self-indulgence. Yet, reaching out for support is one of the most profound expressions of healthy selfishness. It signifies a commitment to personal growth, healing, and a betterย future.
Whether it is speaking to a therapist for depression in Singapore or attending workshops to learn emotional regulation skills, investing in your mental health is an act of strength. It sends a powerful message: Iย matter.
Reframing selfishness asย self-respect
Ultimately, the conversation around selfishness needs to shift. Instead of equating it with harm or disregard for others, we can begin to recognise healthy selfishness as a sign of emotional maturity andย self-respect.
Of course, like any psychological concept, balance is key. Healthy selfishness does not justify chronic avoidance, cruelty, or disengagement. Instead, it encourages thoughtful introspection: What do I need right now to feel whole? And how can I honour that need while staying connected to the world aroundย me?
By learning to prioritise ourselves appropriately, we foster greater resilience, self-awareness, and ultimately, more meaningful connections with those we careย about.
For those ready to explore this balance, ImPossible Psychological Services offers a compassionate and professional space to begin. Whether you are struggling with boundaries, burnout, or emotional overwhelm, the team can guide you towards a healthier, more sustainable way ofย living.
References
Lathren, C. R., Rao, S. S., Park, J. & Bluth, K. (2021). Self-compassion and current close interpersonal relationship: A scoping literature review. Mindfulness, 12(5), 1078-1093.ย https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-020-01566-5
Rand, A. (1964). The virtue of selfishness: A new concept of egoism. New Americanย Library.
Zitek, E. M., & Jordan, A. H. (2019). Psychological entitlement predicts failure to follow instructions. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 10(2), 172โ180.ย https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550617729885