Selfishness is often painted in a negative light—synonymous with arrogance, inconsideration, or narcissism. From a young age, many are taught to share, sacrifice, and prioritise others over themselves. However, a growing body of psychological research suggests that certain forms of selfishness can, in fact, be essential for maintaining and protecting mental well-being. When practised with intention and balance, putting oneself first may not be self-centred at all, but rather a necessary step towards building resilience and emotional stability.
Understanding the difference between healthy and unhealthy selfishness
Healthy selfishness refers to behaviours and attitudes where individuals prioritise their own needs, boundaries, and mental wellness without causing harm to others. It’s about ensuring your own emotional reserves are full before helping others—a concept similar to putting on your own oxygen mask before assisting fellow passengers on a flight.
Unhealthy selfishness, on the other hand, typically involves a disregard for the needs and feelings of others, manipulation, or exploitation for personal gain. The key difference lies in empathy and intention. Healthy selfishness acknowledges others’ needs without neglecting one’s own.
Rand (1964) introduced the concept of “rational selfishness”—the idea that self-interest is not only valid but essential for psychological growth and self-love. This is supported by more recent research, indicating that people who engage in healthy selfish behaviours report lower levels of stress and greater life satisfaction (Zitek & Jordan, 2019).
Setting boundaries is not unkind—it is essential
Many people, especially those who seek adult counselling, struggle with setting boundaries due to fears of conflict or feelings of guilt. Yet, consistently saying “yes” when one means “no” can lead to burnout, resentment, and chronic stress.
Psychologist Brené Brown has noted that “clear is kind”—meaning that setting clear boundaries is an act of kindness, not only to others but to ourselves. Establishing limits helps protect our time, energy, and emotional capacity. It also communicates that our needs are valid and worthy of respect.
If you find yourself constantly depleted or overcommitted, it may be worth considering whether saying “no” from time to time could better support your mental health. A skilled therapist for depression in Singapore can help individuals explore these boundaries and support their implementation in both personal and professional contexts.
Prioritising yourself can improve relationships
While it may seem counterintuitive, prioritising your own needs occassionally can lead to healthier and more authentic relationships. When people feel fulfilled and grounded, they are more likely to engage with others from a place of empathy and strength rather than obligation or resentment.
Research supports this notion. A literature review by Lathren et al. (2021) found that being compassionate towards self improves relational well-being. Rather than draining oneself in the pursuit of being “selfless,” healthy selfishness enables individuals to show up fully for others without compromising their own mental health.
This can be especially crucial for caregivers, parents, or those in emotionally demanding professions. By carving out time for rest, reflection, or therapy, they are able to recharge and remain present and effective in their roles.
Taking time for yourself is not indulgent—it is a mental health strategy
Modern life is fast-paced and unrelenting. Constant connectivity, work demands, and social obligations can make it feel like there is never enough time to simply be. But regularly neglecting self-care can lead to anxiety, depression, and emotional exhaustion.
Engaging in activities solely for your own enjoyment or restoration—whether it is reading a book, going for a walk, or simply doing nothing—is not a luxury. It is a strategy for maintaining balance and preventing burnout. Self-care is not selfish; it is essential for survival.
For those struggling with persistent feelings of guilt or anxiety when taking personal time, adult counselling can provide a supportive space to unlearn these internalised beliefs and build new, healthier habits.
Seeking help is a courageous act of self-prioritisation
There remains a lingering stigma around seeking psychological help, particularly when it is wrongly perceived as a sign of weakness or self-indulgence. Yet, reaching out for support is one of the most profound expressions of healthy selfishness. It signifies a commitment to personal growth, healing, and a better future.
Whether it is speaking to a therapist for depression in Singapore or attending workshops to learn emotional regulation skills, investing in your mental health is an act of strength. It sends a powerful message: I matter.
Reframing selfishness as self-respect
Ultimately, the conversation around selfishness needs to shift. Instead of equating it with harm or disregard for others, we can begin to recognise healthy selfishness as a sign of emotional maturity and self-respect.
Of course, like any psychological concept, balance is key. Healthy selfishness does not justify chronic avoidance, cruelty, or disengagement. Instead, it encourages thoughtful introspection: What do I need right now to feel whole? And how can I honour that need while staying connected to the world around me?
By learning to prioritise ourselves appropriately, we foster greater resilience, self-awareness, and ultimately, more meaningful connections with those we care about.
For those ready to explore this balance, ImPossible Psychological Services offers a compassionate and professional space to begin. Whether you are struggling with boundaries, burnout, or emotional overwhelm, the team can guide you towards a healthier, more sustainable way of living.
References
Lathren, C. R., Rao, S. S., Park, J. & Bluth, K. (2021). Self-compassion and current close interpersonal relationship: A scoping literature review. Mindfulness, 12(5), 1078-1093. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-020-01566-5
Rand, A. (1964). The virtue of selfishness: A new concept of egoism. New American Library.
Zitek, E. M., & Jordan, A. H. (2019). Psychological entitlement predicts failure to follow instructions. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 10(2), 172–180. https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550617729885